rosebud

I now like using brackets. A lot. 

And there are so many different types too!

Within ( ) there can be [ ] and then { } 

So suited for the realistic many-layered thoughts we have.

(Also, curly brackets are pretty.)

A randomly joyful note: on the “realistic summer reading list” for Religious Studies (i.e. Philosophy & Ethics) next year, there stands a golden beautiful book called Brave New World. Future school, I like you just a little more for putting that on there. 

(But then, of course, you also had to put Jodi Picoult. Which I am irrationally against reading. So I will just pretend I did not see it.)

(But of course, I can’t do that.)

The thing is. Summer, with all its emptiness and free time, means that my mind is stuck for what to think about. (Because it always has to have something to think about. Always. That’s why when I was young, I was so terribly afraid of boredom and museums and slow places and sightseeing and anything unexciting. But my view of the world has skewed somewhat since then and now I like the atmosphere of museums, but not sightseeing places so much. Too touristy, trying too hard.) So what do I think about? What I should never think about. Questions which don’t have answers, which lead onto more questions; but most frustratingly, all these questions are essentially meaningless. If only I could just get on with life! And stop following all my different strands of thought to the same bleak end. However. The tasks I have allocated to myself for the summer allow, way too much, for the possibility of daydreaming. So what do I do? Block myself off with Doctor Who and Sims and all those other “entertainments”. And in the meantime, feel sick with anger and wasted time as I do all these things.

What am I getting at?

Nothing.

This post kind of proves my point.

Extreme writer’s block. A sleepy summer.

(Ha, look at that! I called myself a writer. What a joke.)

Anyway, to force myself to write something. End of next week am going on some sort of holiday, which I really should look forward to more because holidays like that are expensive and… time-consuming. But seeing as the plane ride, which is one of the best parts of any holiday because I love plane rides, is only 1 hour to and fro, and there’ll be Chinese characters everywhere, and I shall have to converse with strangers when asking for the directions to the toilet in Mandarin, the good things kind of get cancelled out. If there are good things. Which I can’t think of at the moment.

Got some reading lists from my future school, which I’m really… not too annoyed about, surprisingly, because they are regarding the subjects I like (and therefore chose) after all. Except this means that I have yet more to read during the summer. All those “recommended” books plus the ones I recommended to myself over the course of two years when I decided that I would become more educated, somehow.

(The task has not been fulfilled thus far.)

On top of all that, my family is becoming more and more unbearable, and my mum more mercurial; my house is full of hidden bombs and traps and spending so much time trying to avoid those traps means that there isn’t much space left to be “happy”.

(Well, of course, I must always appear “happy”. Now that my examinations are over my infinite excuse has finally run out.)

Being forced to go to one of my mum’s old friends’ gatherings tomorrow. Because they are of course so dying to see me because I’m about to fly away, even though I haven’t seen them in a few years and nobody cared. But now we must establish the pretence of caring.  I shall arm myself with books…

And for the rest of the summer I shall try to keep myself within air-conditioned areas as much as possible. And avoid, basically, summer.

i am sorry for being so lazy,

and for being vague, because it renders all my words worthless.

after prom. and all i can think of is. THAT WASN’T ANYWHERE NEAR ENOUGH FOOD, I’M HUNGRY……….

being around a massive group of people for a prolonged amount of time pasting on unfelt smiles and generally being cordially fake is extremely energy draining.

hungry, and sleepy. ok awesome.

life sucks,

as usual.