rosebud

i shouldn’t be angry/frustrated/sad

but i am, regardless

sometimes i think that my life is going well and then i stumble upon some amazing person doing some amazing thing, someone who isn’t unrealistic like a movie star but could well be someone i might possibly know in real life, and then it’s just depressing to realise how i’ll never be as good as them.

me and my stupid stupid stupid life

i don’t even know why i’m in a bad mood.

like dominoes we fall;

one push and everything crumbles.

you were supposed to be quiet and reflective and lovely and delicate and infinite. i was going to spend you thinking about the world and about life and researching about fountain pens and reading books and getting lost in prose and escape into my mental dreamworld which has found no peace since i upped and plopped myself onto the other half of the earth. instead what happened was, on the first day, a torrent of what usually happens as i did my tests and lessons ended for the week and went out for lunch and went back and froze my mind by catching up on tv shows and watched a play of a book i love and whittled away the evening doing work. sunday was slightly better as i read several pages (several! several! the most i have managed since i got back) but apart from that there was chapel and there were rehearsals and there was the pointless concert which wasn’t torture or anything bad, but just bland. there was nothing to cheer about. we’d all bonded over complaining about the quality of our old school orchestra and school choir but it was christmas then and christmas is a lovely time and there was tinsel and christmas songs and it was the end of term and most importantly, most importantly by a mile, i was with all of you. for the first time i’m looking into the past and seeing light instead of trying to push away the mud; for the first time the present doesn’t outweigh the past. the past is just too massive and too beautiful and the present thin and lacking. i never had to learn to let go because there was never anything i had to let go of, that i wasn’t glad to be rid of anyway. the thing is, i will never enjoy anything here and i will never become close to anyone if i maintain that the people i am closest to are on the other side of the world and that’s that and i’m just floating here whittling away the days and none of it is particularly enjoyable. 

i should also stop because that above paragraph made absolutely no sense and perhaps each sentence on its own conveyed some kind of meaning but taken together all i want to say is that i’m sad that the weekend is over so quickly and i wish i could be transported to some idyllic place like that patch of grass overlooking the sea against the backdrop of street lights. 

wearing a shirt with unknown origins which smells really weird like a mix of different deodorants or something aahhh why oh why this is just uncomfortable  

Late night essays! Well I haven’t done this in a while. Approaching EE length…